Grief is an emotion that everyone will encounter at some point in their lives. These feelings are not limited to death or dying, but are associated with loss.  Grief can be a response to:

• The emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away.
• Unwanted and unexpected changes in a family situation such as a diagnosis of HD.
• Changes to your role or relationship with other family members and friends,
• Changes to any future plans, or daily routines within the family.

Grieving – An individualised response

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Grieving is a very personal experience and how you grieve depends on many factors including your personality, coping style, your life experiences, your faith and the nature of the loss. Managing your grief and loss can take time and happens gradually. This cannot be forced or hurried. Just as there is no right way of grieving, there is also NO right amount or required period of grieving. Some people may start to feel better in weeks or months, while for others it could last for years. Alternatively, some people may cope well on a day to day basis, but certain dates or events can trigger an emotional response.

When grief takes over

Sometimes, a person's grief can be so intense, to a point when it's a constant and prevents a person from participating in daily activities such as eating, sleeping, going to work or going to school. Being dominated by grief can be exhausting and this could lead to other feelings of hopelessness and despair. If this is the case, it is important to talk to someone you trust like your parent, other family members, a teacher or friends about how you feel. Joining bereavement services or seeking counselling may also be very helpful in working through your feelings of grief so you can move on and start enjoying life again.

Grieving and your emotions

When it comes to grieving, there is no clear process to properly explain how you may be currently feeling and what you may feel next. Instead it is accepted that when it comes to grief and grieving, a person may experience a number of different emotions and may fluctuate between them. Grieving is often referred to as a process because feelings and emotions may differ and change with the passage of time. The feelings you had when you were first told about a family member's illness may have changed and you may feel differently as time passes by. Below are some of the emotions you may experience as part of grieving:

• SHOCK. Following a trauma like that of a death, or illness of someone close, shock can numb you from feeling any emotion, and prevent the situation from having a sense of 'reality'. While in a state of shock, it may seem impossible to accept and understand what has happened. You may appear so calm that other people may not always realise the height of your emotions. This is a normal feeling and other people go through the same situation.
• DENIAL. Is a common defence mechanism that the mind utilises to block unwanted feelings, thoughts, and events entering your consciousness. This may be helpful to you initially, and may assist you to cope with the situation and/or trauma, but long term denial can be counterproductive and in fact be detrimental to your longer term wellbeing. It may be difficult, but eventually, you'll need to work through your grief and slowly accept what has happened.

• ANGER. Is a common emotion experienced that is often directed towards the person or people we want to hold accountable, even though often no one is at fault. You may feel anger towards life, a religious or spiritual belief, or person of importance for what happened to your parent. Alternatively it is not uncommon to feel anger towards the doctors and specialists involved with the diagnosis and care, or even to your family or yourself. Anger usually lessens as time passes but if this is not true in your case, it might be helpful to talk to someone.
• RESENTMENT. This feeling can be accumulative and builds up over a period of time. It can build up and come from any situation including when commitments or expectations do not follow through, or just when you have no control over a situation. A family member's illness or death may mean more responsibilities for you. Maybe you now have to look after your younger siblings or are now expected to contribute with the household chores. You may feel resentful towards your parents for the situation or even towards your friends as they do not have additional responsibilities as you do. Although resentment is a natural feeling with grieving, it should not be left to aggravate as it can cause problems in your relationships with friends and family. Feeling resentful can have a negative impact on your wellbeing and your outlook on life. Rather than letting it to build up, it is best to talk to someone about how you are feeling so you can both find ways of making things better.
• PAIN. Loss can be so overwhelming and intense that you feel physical pain and may even feel sick. Physiological changes that are often experienced can include, but not limited too; disrupted sleeping patterns, changes in eating habits by either a loss or increase in appetite, or uncontrollable crying, screaming or shaking.
• GUILT. You may feel guilty about what you did or did not do to help your family member from the disease. You might also feel guilty for not saying the right words or doing the right things or not spending much time with that person. This is often called regret and it is a natural feeling when grieving. It is also very common to feel guilty when suddenly you find yourself laughing and enjoying yourself with friends and not thinking about the loss in the family. You must not feel guilty about enjoying yourself in between sadness and loss. It is OK to have moments away from the grief so it doesn't become too overwhelming.
• FEAR. For a while, you might feel quite unsafe and may have some fears and concerns about your future. This is common when being subjected to the unknown. Feelings of fear and anxiety usually lessen with time.
• RELIEF. When a parent or other family member dies from illness, you might find that you feel relieved, especially if the illness caused your family member a lot of pain and discomfort. Relief can be felt alongside guilt but this does not mean you wished your family member dead or not saddened by the loss.

Working though your grief

Everyone experiences grief at some point in life. Losing someone or something important in our life can be upsetting and painful. It takes time to work through these feelings and to adjust to life with the loss. Here are some suggestions to help you work through your grief:

Helpful things you can do:

• Let your feelings out. Crying and talking to someone about your feelings can bring you some relief.
• Take time out to be alone.
• Enjoy your memories. It's OK to smile and think about happy moments you enjoyed together.
• Say goodbye. Letting go is part of grieving.
• Talk to someone about your feelings. Don't keep things to yourself and let it bottle up.
• Give yourself time to recover from grief.
• Look after yourself. Eat well and stay physically healthy.

Things to avoid:

• Consumption of drugs or alcohol to reduce pain.
• Engaging in risky behaviour (reckless driving, fights, unprotected intercourse or numerous sexual partners) to express frustration or to try dulling the pain caused by the loss.
• Taking out anger on others
• Keeping your feelings to yourself to protect someone.